Do You Punish Yourself? Here’s How to Stop

Self-punishment might sound strange: why would we want to make ourselves feel bad? Logically, it doesn’t make any sense—but we do it all the time. Here’s the scary part: you may not even know you’re doing it. You can punish yourself in many ways, some of which are unintentional. Have you ever procrastinated until you couldn’t finish a task on time? Has there been a time when you said no to exciting opportunities? Did you talk yourself out of spending time on essential self-care activities, like exercise and eating nutritious food? Have you told yourself over and over again that you aren’t good enough? If so, you may be punishing yourself without even knowing that’s what you’re doing.

Let’s change that.

Why do you punish yourself?

Before you try to stop punishing yourself, let’s dig into why we self-punish in the first place.

First, many people punish themselves for past mistakes. They internalize things that happened in the past and avoid experiencing that pain again in many different ways. That might mean avoiding doing work others could judge, not making the “right” progress, or failing at something important. This is the mind trying to protect us from pain, but it can sabotage healthy and productive activities.

If we experience enough negative feedback or failure, it starts to feel like we’re the problem—that we should be punished for our problems. This isn’t usually the case, but many people start self-punishing for this reason—and then feel worse. Self-esteem and confidence can take a hit, and people can become isolated after spiralling into a pattern of self-punishment. It’s common for people to think they “deserve” to suffer or that suffering will bring about positive changes and enlightenment. Unfortunately, this is the opposite of what happens.

How Our Brain Works When Punishing Ourselves

When we punish ourselves, our brain goes through a complex process involving several areas responsible for emotions, self-reflection, and decision-making. The prefrontal cortex, which helps us think about our actions and judge whether they are right or wrong, becomes active when we feel guilty or ashamed. This area works alongside the anterior cingulate cortex, which is involved in processing negative emotions like guilt, and the insula, which makes us aware of our internal feelings, such as disgust or discomfort.

While punishing ourselves may seem purely negative, it can sometimes trigger the brain’s reward system. This might happen because self-punishment can temporarily relieve guilt, giving us a sense of control or release. However, this creates a harmful cycle where self-punishment feels reinforcing, even though it’s ultimately damaging. Additionally, if the punishment involves physical harm, the brain’s pain pathways are activated, adding another layer of complexity to how we experience self-punishment. Over time, these repeated negative experiences can lead to lasting changes in how our brain processes emotions and stress.

How to stop destructive self-punishment

So, how do you quit this destructive behaviour? You probably already know that it’s not as easy as just stopping. Your subconscious is powerful and can easily take over your conscious thoughts—that’s how you start punishing yourself in the first place. Everyone is different, so methods for reversing self-punishment don’t affect everyone equally. However, you can take some basic steps to start the process and open yourself up to letting go of self-sabotage.

1. Dig into what’s really behind the punishment

The hardest part of stopping yourself from self-punishment is the first step: figuring out what’s behind the behaviour. First, identify which behaviour is destructive and think about what might be behind the fears and punishment. Did you have an experience once that should have been positive (like being part of a sports team) but then turned negative (like an opposing coach who was overly critical)? Did you once fail to deliver on a project or let down a friend? Try to find the patterns in your behaviour and dig into what’s behind them—understanding why your self-punishment is crucial. Write it all down!

2. Talk to someone

Once you’ve considered why you engage in this destructive behaviour, consider talking to someone. A counsellor or therapist is ideal, but a trusted friend can help. Sometimes, just discussing your fears can help you overcome them.

3. Create a new story

If your self-punishment is related to fear of pain, it’s time to create a new story. If you’re procrastinating, take the worst-case scenario of completing the work, then flip it around. What could happen if you finished the project? Worst case, you could complete it poorly. In the best case, you could impress your boss. It’s worth the risk. You know your capabilities, but fear can hold you back.

4. Make actionable, realistic goals

Don’t set yourself up for failure by taking on too much. Set realistic goals you can act on right away, and your confidence will have an opportunity to grow.

It takes ongoing effort

Unfortunately, there’s no quick fix for ending self-punishment. It’s a journey that requires ongoing effort, reassessment, and reminders to succeed. We all have insecurities and pain that can stir up self-punishment, so it’s important to remember that almost everyone goes through this standard—and complex—process. Just take it one step at a time. What will set you apart is awareness of what’s going on and the power to change it.