Forgiveness And Living From Your Higher Self

A colleague of mine was agonising over her marriage breakdown. When she spoke about her frustration and contempt for her ex-husband, it was still very raw, despite their having been apart for a few years. We briefly discussed how she could cope.

I gently suggested, “Perhaps for your own peace of mind, you might want to consider forgiving him.” She glared at me as if I were suggesting she let the devil off the hook, and emphatically told me that would never be possible. While I fully understood that her feelings were too strong to contemplate forgiving him, I worried about the toll the anger and upset were taking on her health.

Recently, I watched the outcome of a high-profile trial in the USA, where the family of a murdered woman stood up in court and said they forgave the person who had taken their daughter’s and sister’s lives. They still wanted justice; there was no letting the murderer off the hook, but I understood that what they wanted above all else was to reduce their own suffering.

A Relief From Suffering

Forgiveness is one of the most powerful ways to free ourselves from suffering, yet it is also one of the most misunderstood. We tend to think of it as something we offer to another person. Someone has hurt us, betrayed our trust, or behaved badly, and we must decide whether they deserve forgiveness. But what if forgiveness has very little to do with what another person deserves?

Through my study of A Course in Miracles and my own journey of self-awareness, I have come to understand forgiveness at three levels. Each offers a different way of seeing ourselves, other people and the world around us, and each gives us a chance to release suffering and return our minds to love.

Forgiveness Is a Personal Choice

Before exploring these levels, I want to be clear that forgiveness is a deeply personal matter. Nobody has the right to tell you that you must forgive someone, whatever the circumstances. Don’t judge yourself if you cannot forgive something that happened, now or in the future. We each have our own experiences, beliefs and emotional journeys. Some hurts take a long time to process, and others may never feel releasable. My colleague mentioned earlier was clearly not in the right place to forgive her ex-husband, and that was fine; it was a choice only she could make.

The Danger of Forgiving Too Soon

Sometimes it’s tempting to rush into forgiveness. We might feel we ought to, perhaps because of peer pressure or religious beliefs. Alternatively, we may be afraid to confront the behaviour because of what it might entail. But when we repeatedly let bad behaviour slide, we teach ourselves that our boundaries don’t matter. True forgiveness requires discernment. You can release resentment while still holding someone accountable.

I learned this firsthand during a toxic workplace dispute in which I was treated unfairly. Had I “forgiven and moved on,” the mistreatment would have continued. Instead, I set emotion aside and went through a formal process to protect myself and resolve the issue. Only after the practical consequences were settled did I consciously choose to forgive, not for their sake, but to stop the injustice from holding power over my future. I didn’t need an apology; I just wanted peace of mind.

Psychologist Everett Worthington clarifies this distinction with two concepts: decisional forgiveness (a conscious choice about how you will treat someone) and emotional forgiveness (the slower process of replacing resentment with peace). The decision often comes first; the feelings follow.

Protecting your boundaries and forgiving others are fully compatible. Just ensure your forgiveness isn’t an invitation for poor behaviour to continue.

Three Levels Of Forgiveness

If you’ve read some of my work, you will know I have studied the metaphysical teachings of A Course in Miracles (ACIM). My understanding of forgiveness, according to that text, differs greatly from the normal worldly understanding. If you’re not a student of ACIM, its concept of forgiveness may feel alien. For the purpose of Living From Your Higher Self, I recognise that people can talk about forgiveness on three levels, and I want to make them clear in this article.

1. Ego Forgiveness: Taking the Moral High Ground

The first level is the one most of us recognise. Someone has wronged us, and we decide to forgive them, sometimes feeling generous or even morally superior for doing so. The ego is comfortable with this kind of forgiveness because the judgement remains in place: we remain the injured party, and they remain the wrongdoer. If we keep going back over what happened and reminding ourselves how forgiving we have been, we may not have released the grievance at all.

2. Higher Self Forgiveness: Looking Beyond the Behaviour

The second level comes from understanding who we really are. When someone acts out of fear, anger or jealousy, their behaviour stems from the ego thought system. It may be deeply hurtful, but it does not define the whole person. From our Higher Self, we recognise that beneath the behaviour is someone who has lost touch with their true nature, so we can condemn the behaviour without condemning the person.

This does not mean excusing harm or allowing ourselves to be mistreated. We may still need to set boundaries, end a relationship or take action. Forgiveness does not require reconciliation or ongoing contact. I can recognise someone’s essential goodness while deciding their behaviour makes them unsafe to have in my life.

3. Metaphysical Forgiveness: Awakening From the Dream

The third level invites us to reconsider the nature of reality itself. A Course in Miracles teaches that our sense of separation from God, or from our true nature, is an illusion, and likens the world we perceive to a dream. Our true Self has never been separated from love and cannot be harmed, so in ultimate reality there is nothing to forgive. We practise forgiveness because we still believe in the dream, and it helps us release the judgements that keep separation alive in our minds.

This is a difficult idea, and we must never use it to dismiss someone’s pain. Within our human experience, suffering is very real, and compassion and practical action remain essential. We do not need to accept the Course’s teachings to benefit from forgiveness. We can begin simply by asking whether the judgements we hold help us live from love.

Forgiving Ourselves

Forgiveness also applies to ourselves, and we can be far harder on our own mistakes than on anyone else’s. We replay what we said or did, sometimes years later, wishing we had behaved differently. Remorse is part of our Emotional Compass. It tells us when our actions don’t match our values and gives us the chance to make things right and choose differently. Guilt is the ego’s verdict that we are fundamentally wrong or unworthy, and it keeps us punishing ourselves long after we’ve learned the lesson.

There is also a difference between a genuine mistake and acting from the ego on purpose. When we acted with limited information or the best intentions, we can acknowledge the consequences and forgive ourselves for not knowing then what we know now. When we knew what we were doing was wrong and did it anyway, the ego often offers a convenient shortcut. We tell ourselves we were justified or that the other person deserved it, and we forgive ourselves so we can carry on as before. That is the ego avoiding accountability.

Self-Forgiveness Starts With Honesty

Genuine self-forgiveness starts with honesty: acknowledging what happened, understanding why we acted as we did, and considering the effect on others. Where we can, we apologise or make amends, and we commit to changing the beliefs that led us there. Sometimes an apology is not accepted, or the consequences cannot be undone, but once we have taken responsibility, continuing to punish ourselves serves no purpose. If we can accept that other people’s ego-driven actions do not define who they are, we must be willing to extend the same understanding to ourselves.

Self-forgiveness is for what we have done, not for what was done to us. If someone else harmed you, you have nothing to forgive yourself for.