Most of us, when a relationship is not what we would like it to be, look first at the other person. It is a perfectly reasonable place to look, and sometimes it is exactly right. People do let us down, and they do withhold things, and when that is what is happening, the remedy is a practical one. We say what we need, we ask for something different, or we accept that this is as much as the relationship is going to offer.
What I want to look at here sits underneath all of that, and it applies just as much to the relationships that are going perfectly well. It is not the question of whether our connections are good enough. It is the question of what we are asking them to be, and most of us have never examined that at all.
I have come to think that sometimes we ask our connections to do a job they were never able to do. When we do that, we experience them as unreliable, and we tend to conclude that we have the wrong people rather than the wrong expectation.
Three Kinds of Connection
However we view our existence, all three of these matter, and our experience of the world is shaped by which of them we have. Our needs here are not the same. Some of us would feel bereft if even one were missing, while others are content however their connections happen to land.
Social Connection
The first is social connection, which is simply being among other people. We work together, we meet friends, we go to family gatherings, and we share the ordinary business of life. This is a real need rather than a nicety. Long stretches of isolation do genuine damage, and anybody who is short of company should attend to that before anything else.
Psychological Connection
The second is psychological connection, which is the experience of being understood, accepted and able to be yourself. Two people can spend an hour together, and both leave nourished, because each of them felt properly seen. Others can spend thirty years in the same house and remain, in every way that matters, at a distance from one another. This is the kind most of us mean when we say we feel alone in company.
Connection With Our Own Higher Self
The third is connection with our own Higher Self, which is the connection this series is built around. It is an inner connection rather than an outer one, and its absence is, I suspect, one of the most common reasons people feel alone without being able to say why. It is the experience of having nobody to consult. Which means every question goes outwards, to be answered by whoever happens to be nearest and whatever mood we are in that week. For many people, settling this connection settles the question of loneliness entirely. They stop feeling alone in company, they need rather less from the people around them, and nothing further is required.
Connection Through the Lens of Unity
Unity Consciousness is not a fourth connection that sits alongside your connection with yourself, with other people and with your Higher Self. Nor is it the final stage you reach once the others are in place. It changes the way you understand all three.
Psychology helps us understand how we experience separation. It explains how our early relationships, beliefs and nervous system shape the way we relate to ourselves and to other people. That understanding is both valuable and necessary. Unity Consciousness does not replace it. Instead, it asks a different question. What if separation is not our true nature but simply the way we have learned to experience ourselves?
From the perspective of separation, connection is something we have to create across a gap. We naturally look to our relationships for reassurance, acceptance, understanding and belonging, but when our wellbeing depends on another person providing them, we stop simply meeting them and start monitoring the relationship instead. Did they understand me? Are they pulling away? Have I upset them? These thoughts often operate unnoticed, yet they shape much of how we experience other people.
Unity Consciousness offers a different starting point. Rather than seeing ourselves as separate individuals who occasionally manage to connect, it suggests we are already connected and only experience ourselves as separate. If that is true, then belonging is not something another person gives us. It is something we gradually recognise as we see beyond the beliefs that have kept us feeling separate.
A Sense of Belonging Changes Our Experience
Our relationships do not become less important because of this understanding. They become more important. They stop being the place where we prove our worth and become the place where we notice the difference between relating from fear and relating from love. The more secure we become in our own sense of belonging, the less we need other people to confirm it, and the freer we are to genuinely meet them as they are.
This also explains why our Higher Self rarely gives us the answer we think we want when a relationship is difficult. We usually ask what the other person should do differently. Our Higher Self is more interested in showing us what the relationship is revealing about us. Lasting peace comes less from changing other people than from seeing beyond the beliefs that keep separation alive in our own minds.
Unity Consciousness Is Where Your Higher Self Operates
Your Higher Self operates from Unity Consciousness. It does not experience life through separation, comparison or conflict in the way the ego does. That is why, when we ask it for guidance, it rarely tells us who is right and who is wrong. Instead, it helps us see the situation more completely, including the fears, needs and misunderstandings on both sides.
At first, this can feel frustrating because we often want our Higher Self to take our side. Instead, it invites us to step beyond sides altogether. It is not asking us to ignore poor behaviour or abandon healthy boundaries. Rather, it helps us respond from understanding instead of separation. Once we understand that Unity Consciousness is the perspective from which our Higher Self always speaks, its guidance becomes far easier to recognise and trust.
The Client Who Was Asking Her Relationship to Prove Something
I once worked with a woman who was convinced her boyfriend’s plans for his own future meant he was not committed to her. Yet as we explored the situation, it became clear that she wasn’t reacting to his plans so much as the fear that his plans would take him away from her.
When she stepped back and looked at the relationship through the perspective of her Higher Self, everything changed. Instead of seeing two people whose different plans threatened the relationship, she was able to see two connected people with different needs. She realised he could love her and still make different choices. She stopped looking to the relationship for proof that she mattered and started meeting him as his own person. Interestingly, he didn’t change. What changed was what she was asking the relationship to provide. Once she no longer needed it to confirm her worth, she found there was far more love between them than she had been able to see.
Connecting Through Our Higher Selves
When we recognise Unity Consciousness, we become more able to meet other people wherever they happen to be. When both people communicate from their Higher Self, they usually know. They sense they are speaking to the wisest and most loving part of each other, and very little of the usual defending is needed.
I used to find it difficult to spend time with people who believed life was simply dog-eat-dog and had no awareness of their own Higher Self. Living from the perspective of unity has changed that. I now see that we are all on different paths, learning different lessons at different times. My role is not to persuade anyone to see what I see, but simply to connect from the best part of myself. Whether they meet me there is theirs to decide, not mine.
Try This: Connect From Your Side Only
Over the next few days, choose one ordinary interaction with someone you don’t know well, a colleague, neighbour or shop assistant.
Before you speak, notice whether you are hoping for anything in return, even if it is only a smile, approval or acknowledgement. Then, for a moment, assume you are meeting the wisest part of them and simply connect with the wisest part of yourself. Don’t try to change them. The only thing you are changing is where you are relating from.
Afterwards, ask yourself:
- What was I hoping they would give me?
- Did I find myself judging how the interaction had gone?
- How did the conversation feel when I wasn’t looking for anything in return?
You may discover that the greatest change in your relationships begins when you stop asking them to prove anything about you.
Where We Go Next
Once we experience ourselves as separate, a whole set of responses follows, and they are more predictable than we might expect. The next article is about what those responses are, and why they are not the character flaws we take them for.