When a relationship is not working as we would like, most of us look first at the other person. Sometimes that is exactly where we need to look. People do let us down, and sometimes we need to say what we need, ask for something to change or accept that the relationship cannot give us what we hoped it would.
But there is another question we do not often ask: what are we expecting our relationships to give us?
Sometimes we expect another person to make us feel secure, valued, understood or complete. When they cannot do that consistently, we assume there is something wrong with the relationship or with them. It may be that we are asking another person to provide something we first need to find within ourselves.
Three Kinds of Connection
Over the years, through my own experience and my work with others, I have come to think about connection in three ways. This is not a scientific model, and the three types are not completely separate from one another. It is simply a distinction I have found helpful when trying to understand why we can have people around us and still feel lonely or disconnected.
We can be connected socially, feel genuinely understood by another person, and feel connected to our own Higher Self. Ideally, we experience all three, although what we need from each one will be different for everyone.
Social Connection
Social connection comes from having other people in our lives. We work with people, meet friends, spend time with family and share the ordinary events of the day. These interactions may not always be deep, but they still matter. Sometimes what we are missing is simply company, conversation and the feeling that we are part of everyday life.
If we have become isolated, it can help to recognise that before looking for a more complicated explanation for how we feel. We may simply need more opportunities to be with other people.
Psychological Connection
Psychological connection is different. It is the feeling of being understood, accepted and able to be ourselves with another person.
We can spend an hour with someone and leave feeling better because we felt heard and properly seen. Equally, two people can live together for years and still feel emotionally distant from one another. This is usually what we mean when we say we feel lonely even though we are not alone.
Connection with Our Own Higher Self
The third is our connection with our own Higher Self, which is the inner connection this series is built around.
When this connection is missing, we can feel as though we have nobody within us to turn to. We look outwards for answers, reassurance and approval because we do not yet trust our own inner guidance. We ask other people what they think, then ask somebody else when the answer does not appeal to us.
Connecting with our Higher Self does not mean we no longer need other people. It means we stop expecting them to answer every question, remove every doubt or make us feel whole. We can still value their love, company and advice without making our well-being entirely dependent on what they give us.
Connection Through the Lens of Unity
When we view our connections through the lens of separation, we tend to focus on what we are receiving from them. Do I feel included? Does this person understand me? Do they value me? Are they giving me enough time, attention or reassurance? Without realising it, we can begin to measure the relationship by what it appears to say about us.
Unity Consciousness gives us a completely different starting point. It suggests that we are already connected, even when we do not feel connected. Instead of looking to other people to give us a sense of belonging, we begin to recognise that belonging is already part of who we are.
This changes the way we experience all our connections. We can enjoy social contact without needing to be included in everything. We can value being understood without feeling rejected when somebody does not understand us. We can listen to other people’s views without losing touch with our own inner guidance.
Our relationships still matter, and we still need love, company and understanding. The difference is that we are no longer asking other people to prove that we matter or to make us feel complete. We can meet them more openly because we are not constantly checking what their words and actions mean about us. We begin to experience connection as something we bring to a relationship, rather than something we have to persuade another person to give us.
Connection Does Not Require Agreement
When we stop asking our relationships to prove that we belong, connection becomes possible even when we disagree. We no longer need another person to think as we do, make the choices we would make or fully understand our point of view before we can feel connected to them.
This does not mean agreeing with everything or pretending that differences do not matter. It means we can disagree without immediately turning the other person into the problem. Instead of thinking, “How can they possibly see it that way?”, we become more interested in understanding what has led them there.
We may still challenge what they say, make a different choice or decide that we do not want a close relationship with them. Connection does not mean agreement, and it does not remove the need for boundaries. It simply allows us to see the person as more than the opinion, decision or behaviour we disagree with.
Unity Consciousness Is Where Your Higher Self Operates
Your Higher Self operates from Unity Consciousness. It does not experience life through separation, comparison or conflict in the way the ego does. That is why, when we ask it for guidance, it rarely tells us who is right and who is wrong. Instead, it helps us see the situation more completely, including the fears, needs and misunderstandings on both sides.
At first, this can feel frustrating because we often want our Higher Self to take our side. Instead, it invites us to look beyond sides altogether. It is not asking us to ignore poor behaviour or abandon healthy boundaries. It helps us respond from understanding rather than from the need to make somebody else wrong. Once we understand that this is the perspective from which our Higher Self speaks, its guidance becomes easier to recognise.
When a Relationship Becomes Proof
I once worked with a woman who was convinced her boyfriend’s plans for his own future meant he was not committed to her. Yet as we explored the situation, it became clear that she wasn’t reacting to his plans so much as the fear that his plans would take him away from her.
When she stepped back and looked at the relationship from the perspective of her Higher Self, everything changed. Instead of seeing two people whose different plans threatened the relationship, she saw two connected people with different needs. She realised he could love her and still make choices of his own. Interestingly, he did not change. What changed was what she was asking the relationship to prove. Once she no longer needed it to confirm that she mattered, she could see much more clearly what was actually between them.
Connecting Through Our Higher Selves
When we recognise Unity Consciousness, we become more able to meet other people wherever they happen to be. When both people communicate from their Higher Self, there is often a sense that the wisest and most loving parts of them are meeting, and far less of the usual defending is needed.
I used to find it difficult to spend time with people who saw life as dog-eat-dog or had no interest in the idea of a Higher Self. Living from the perspective of unity has changed that. I now see that we are all on different paths, learning different lessons at different times. My role is not to persuade anyone to see what I see, but to connect from the best part of myself. Whether they meet me there is theirs to decide, not mine.
When we recognise Unity Consciousness, we become more able to meet other people wherever they happen to be
Try This: Connect from Your Side Only
Over the next few days, choose one ordinary interaction with someone you don’t know well, a colleague, neighbour or shop assistant.
Before you speak, notice whether you are hoping for anything in return, even if it is only a smile, approval or acknowledgement. Then, for a moment, assume you are meeting the wisest part of them and simply connect with the wisest part of yourself. Don’t try to change them. The only thing you are changing is where you are relating from.
Afterwards, ask yourself:
- What was I hoping they would give me?
- Did I find myself judging how the interaction had gone?
- How did the conversation feel when I wasn’t looking for anything in return?
You may discover that the greatest change in your relationships begins when you stop asking them to prove anything about you.
Once we experience ourselves as separate, a surprisingly predictable set of responses follows. Understanding those patterns helps us see that they are not character flaws, but the natural consequences of what we have come to believe.
Before we can accept the idea of Unity Consciousness, we must first really see the World of Separation and how our reactions to that world can lead to suffering.
Articles In Unity Consciousness
What Is Unity Consciousness? How Seeing Beyond Separation Changes Everything
- How Unity Consciousness Changes Our View of Connection
- The World of Separation
- Living From Unity Consciousness: What Changes When You See People Differently
- Why Boundaries Get Easier When You Stop Blaming
- If Everyone Is Connected, Why Is the World Like This?