How To Stop Self-Sabotage – Living From Your Higher Self

My biggest lesson in self-sabotage came when my house was repossessed. I had wanted the house badly because it had lots of character. However, because of decisions I made that reflected avoidance and denial, my finances spiralled out of control. Looking back, I realise I could have fairly easily avoided losing my house, but my mindset didn’t see that at the time.

Everyone had an opinion on what I should have done, and much of the advice was sound and could very well have prevented the worst of what subsequently occurred. The problem was I wasn’t listening. All I could hear was my own fear and denial.

If you’ve ever tried to give advice to a child or to coach anyone, you’ll know that advice in itself doesn’t change behaviour. I knew what I had to do. I just couldn’t make myself do it. In the end, it was the pain and the sheer humiliation that left me with no option but to confront what had happened.

That was when I started to see how my beliefs about my own worth had been driving my decisions, and I wanted to know why I had been so consistently getting in my own way.

What Self-Sabotage Looks Like

Self-sabotage is when what we want and what we actually do are in opposite directions. We may be desperate for things to change, and yet our actions leave everything exactly as it is.

It’s not always as dramatic as losing your house. More often it’s the case of putting off a phone call for weeks or just suddenly finding fault with an opportunity you’d previously been very keen on.

Why Do We Self-Sabotage?

I’ve come to see self-sabotage as an attempt to protect ourselves.

The ego thought system is all about familiarity and predictability. It draws on our past experiences, our beliefs and our fears to work out what might happen next. Even when we’re contemplating a positive change, it can still make the option of doing nothing the one that seems safest. As they’re our own thoughts, we tend to believe them.

There are a number of reasons why we might sabotage something we actually want.

Fear of failure or success

We all know what it’s like to be scared of failure. Success can be just as frightening, though, potentially bringing with it greater responsibility, higher expectations and changes to our relationships. We can be desperate for something and still be terrified of what getting it might mean.

Staying in our comfort zone

There’s something reassuring about the familiar, even when it’s making us unhappy. We know how to manage the life we have. Change brings uncertainty.

Limiting beliefs

We may have grown up with the notion that we weren’t capable, we didn’t deserve to be happy or to have a good life, and that wanting more from life was selfish. Those beliefs can quite easily become the drivers of our decisions long after we’ve lost track of where they originated.

Fear of losing approval

Going after what you want can mean letting down other people. For someone who’s spent their life trying to please others, it can be a very difficult thing to choose your own path, and can lead to a massive amount of guilt.

Avoiding uncomfortable feelings

Procrastination gives us a reprieve from the anxiety or the prospect of disappointment. The problem is reprieve reinforces the behaviour, so the next time you face the situation, it’s even harder to get your head around.

When We Talk Ourselves Out of What We Want

I once coached a woman who had left a relationship in which her partner routinely doubted she could achieve anything at all.

On her own, she was starting to see some possibilities for her future. She’d always wanted to open a café, and in our sessions she started to look at what it might involve. I can remember her being absolutely thrilled as she went through it with me. She left with a plan to find out how to go about it.

Several months after our coaching had finished, I ran into her. She told me she’d gone back to her partner. As for the café, she thought it was probably just a pipe dream.

I certainly respected her decision. It was her life, and I had no idea what had transpired in the months since we’d last spoken. I did wonder what had changed, though. Had she realised running a café wasn’t for her at all? Or had the idea of a different life in some way stirred up all the fears and beliefs that made the old life seem so much safer? I’ll never know. I’ve thought about her plenty since.

I also think of a friend who had signed up for a course which could have completely altered her working life. The day before it was due to start, she got unwell and didn’t turn up. It might have been mere bad luck. What struck me was she never rebooked.

I can’t say for certain either woman was sabotaging herself. But when we keep stepping away from things we say we want, it’s worth getting curious about why.

Recognising the Voice of Self-Sabotage

Living From Your Higher Self has taught me to distinguish between thoughts that arise from fear and those that come from a wiser place.

The ego thought system operates via fear, comparison and judgement, and it’s determined to protect the identity we’re used to. It’ll tell you you’re not good enough, you’ll embarrass yourself, or you’d be far better off just leaving things as they are. Those thoughts can be very persuasive, particularly when they’re based on actual things that have happened to us.

Our Higher Self is the wisest, most loving part of us. It can acknowledge fear without letting fear make the decision.

With practice, we can start to question the thoughts behind our choices:

Am I responding to something genuinely wrong for me, or am I frightened of what might happen?

Is an old belief affecting me?

What would I choose if I weren’t afraid?

Caution can of course be entirely sensible. We may well need more information and more preparation. Or we may look at our own feelings and realise the opportunity isn’t quite right for us after all. Discernment is the ability to tell the difference between a wise change of direction and a fear-based retreat.

Five Ways To Overcome Self-Sabotage

Become the Observer

Start by noticing what’s happening without judging yourself.

Perhaps a job is just drifting to the bottom of your list, or you’ve gone cold on something you were really keen on. Take a look at what’s actually going on. What are you telling yourself about it? What are you actually afraid might happen?

I find writing my thoughts down particularly helpful. I can often see things on paper that aren’t obvious when they’re going round and round in my head.

Once we can observe our thoughts, we have a choice as to how we respond.

Question Your Limiting Beliefs

Often, the fear is tied to a belief we’ve held for years. We might think we can’t do something because we failed once, or success is for other people.

When we look closely, there’s usually very little evidence to support these beliefs. Ask yourself where the belief came from, whether it’s really true, and what in your life suggests otherwise.

Our past may explain our fears, but it doesn’t have to decide our future.

Take Small, Deliberate Steps

Some fears feel too big to shift by changing our thinking alone. I think there’s a lot to be said for approaching what we fear slowly and deliberately.

If you want to change careers, you might start by talking to people who work in the field or by taking a short course. Each step lets you experience something different from what your fear predicted, and over time the next step seems less daunting.

Imagine the Outcome You Want

Our minds are very good at imagining everything that could go wrong. We can rehearse disasters until the thought of doing anything appears overwhelming. And when all our attention is on avoiding what we don’t want, it’s hard to see anything else.

It’s worth giving equal time to how things might go well. What would it feel like to have what you want? How would you behave if you felt confident and capable?

I’ve used visualisation many times in coaching to help people approach a situation expecting something different. Imagining a good outcome doesn’t guarantee it, but it can help us notice possibilities we might otherwise miss.

Listen to Your Emotional Compass

Our emotions tell us a great deal about the thoughts we’re entertaining. If we feel anxious, ashamed or inadequate, it’s worth exploring the beliefs beneath.

Anxiety may point to a real concern that needs attention, or it may reflect an old fear that no longer fits our circumstances. Our Higher Self helps us look at those feelings with compassion and curiosity.

Fear narrows our choices. When we feel calmer and more grounded, we usually see more of them.

Taking Responsibility Without Blaming Yourself

When I finally looked at the prospect of losing my home with any degree of honesty, I had to face the fact I’d been part of it. That wasn’t about self-blame. It was about realising a lot of the decisions I’d made had been driven by what I thought of my own value. Once I could see that, I could start to make different choices.

Blaming myself would only have kept me stuck in shame. Taking responsibility gave me something I could actually change.

I learned a lesson through fear and pain. Since then, I’ve found we can choose to learn through love and trust instead, by noticing what’s happening early and being kind to ourselves as we change it. We don’t have to wait until life forces our hand.

Noticing It Sooner

I still catch myself self-sabotaging from time to time. The difference now is I usually spot it before it causes real pain. I can tell when fear is steering a decision, and I question my thinking before acting.

Then I might change direction, take one small step forward, or decide what I thought I wanted wasn’t right for me. Any of those could be the right choice, as long as it’s not fear driving it.

None of us ever reaches a point where we stop being afraid or stop making unhelpful decisions. What changes is how quickly we become aware of what’s actually driving those decisions.

So the next time you find yourself walking away from something you really want, you could ask yourself one question:

Am I making this decision because it’s right for me, or because it feels safer to stay where I am?