Most of the time, we experience life from right inside whatever is happening. If somebody annoys us, we feel annoyed. If we are worried about money, we feel the worry. If we feel rejected, it seems obvious that something has happened to make us feel that way. We are having the experience, and naturally our attention goes to the person or situation in front of us.
There is nothing wrong with that. It is how we live most of our lives. But if we want to understand ourselves better, we need to learn another way of looking. We need to become the observer of our experience as well as the person having it. The difference is quite simple.
When I am experiencing something, I might think, They have made me angry. When I step back and observe what is happening, I can ask, Why has this affected me so strongly? What am I believing about what just happened? Nothing about the situation has changed. I have moved my attention from what happened outside me to what is happening inside me. That small shift can tell us a great deal.
Finding a Hidden Belief About Money
If you had asked me years ago what I believed about money, I would probably have said it did not matter to me. That was the story I consciously told myself. But beneath it lay another belief: money disappears no matter what you do.
I could not see that belief by asking myself what I thought about money. I found it by looking at my experience: the dread when bills arrived, how I managed money, the choices I made and the patterns that kept repeating. This is why some of our most influential beliefs are so difficult to spot. We have lived with them for so long that we no longer notice them.
Observing gives us another way to look. Instead of immediately believing every thought and reaction, we begin to notice them. I am getting very defensive. Why? That comment has stayed with me all day. Why? I keep making the same choice. What might be underneath it? We do not need the answers immediately. The first task is to notice.
Four Places to Look for Hidden Beliefs
This does not mean analysing every thought or constantly examining ourselves. It is much simpler than that. It means becoming curious when something catches your attention. Some beliefs become obvious quite quickly, while others reveal themselves gradually. You may notice a reaction first, then a similar one a few weeks later, and only afterwards realise they are connected.
There are four particularly useful places to look: your reactions, your patterns, your dreams and your choices. They are already part of your everyday life. The difference is that instead of only experiencing them, you begin to observe what they may be showing you.
When a Reaction Is Out of Proportion
Reactions are one of the easiest places to begin because life gives us plenty of them. Most do not need analysing. If somebody is rude and you feel annoyed, that may be a normal response.
What I notice now is when my reaction feels out of proportion to the event itself. A passing comment stays with me for hours. I reread a short email, trying to work out what was meant. A small piece of feedback has me mentally defending myself later that evening.
This is when I stop asking, Why did they say that? and ask instead, Why has this affected me so much? Then I ask one more question: What have I made this mean about me?
This is often where the useful information lies. Perhaps I have decided that I am not respected, that I have got something wrong, that I do not matter or that I am not good enough.
The football example earlier showed the same thing. The comment was the same for both of us. I heard banter; my friend’s partner heard an insult. The difference was the meaning attached to it.
This is what I am looking for when I observe a reaction: not whether I should have reacted, but what I may have added to what actually happened.
Situations That Keep Repeating
A single experience may not tell you very much. A pattern usually does.
Look at one area of your life where the same kind of situation keeps recurring. Perhaps you repeatedly end up overworked, rescue people who do not help themselves, stay too long in difficult relationships, or avoid opportunities you say you want.
Instead of asking, Why does this keep happening to me? ask, What might I be doing, expecting or believing that is helping to keep this pattern going?
This is not about taking responsibility for everything that happens. Other people make their own choices, and sometimes life is simply difficult. You are only looking for the part that belongs to you, because that is the part you can change.
And if you spot something, try not to turn it into criticism. “That’s interesting. I’ve done this before” is usually much more useful than “How could I have been so foolish?”
What Our Dreams Can Show Us
Dreams can sometimes offer another way to notice what is happening beneath our conscious thoughts. I described one of my own earlier in this series. At the time, I did not understand what it was showing me. Looking back, what mattered was not the dream’s detail but the feeling beneath it. I felt I did not belong and had not earned my place. That feeling was already present in my waking life. I had not recognised it clearly.
If you remember a dream that stays with you, rather than trying to interpret every detail, notice how you felt in it. Then ask yourself, Where else in my life do I feel like this? Sometimes there will be an obvious connection. Sometimes there will not. And if you rarely remember your dreams, it does not matter. There are plenty of other places to look.
What Our Choices Reveal About Our Beliefs
Our choices can be particularly revealing because we can look back at what we actually did. We may say something matters to us, but our choices sometimes tell a different story. Look at the opportunities you turned down, the things you tolerated, the relationships you stayed in, the jobs you applied for or did not, and the things you repeatedly told yourself you would do and somehow never did. Every decision probably had a perfectly good reason at the time. When we observe, we don’t dismiss those reasons. We look for the belief behind the decision.
For example, I could have given you a reasonable explanation for every opportunity I did not pursue when I was younger. What I could not see then was that, beneath all those different explanations, was the same belief: things like that are not for people like me. That belief had shaped many decisions before I even realised there was a decision to make.
Sometimes what we have accepted also tells us something. If we repeatedly tolerate poor treatment, for example, it may be worth asking what we believe we are entitled to expect. Again, this isn’t about blame. It is simply useful to know.
When We Look and Still Can’t See Why
Sometimes you step back and look at something and still have no idea what is going on. That happens to me too. You might recognise that you reacted strongly but not know why. You may notice a pattern but be unable to see what connects it. Or you may think you have understood something and later realise there was more to it. That is all part of the process.
We do not need to force an explanation simply because we have started looking. In fact, forcing an answer can take us straight back into the old habit of trying to think our way through everything. Sometimes observation comes first, and understanding follows much later.
I have also learned to notice when I suddenly do not want to look. I might become irritated with the question, decide I am overthinking it or find something much more urgent that apparently needs doing. That does not automatically mean I have uncovered something important. But it can be worth noticing the resistance.
How I Uncovered My Belief About Money
My belief about money is a good example of how this worked for me. For years, I worried without really observing it. A bill arrived, and I felt dread. Money was short, and I felt frightened. I dealt with the feeling as best I could, often by distracting myself, but I did not ask what lay beneath it. Eventually, the discomfort became too great to ignore.
One day, I wanted to take my son swimming, but I did not have enough money. For me, that crossed a line. I stopped merely experiencing the problem and began seriously asking what was going on. Eventually, something became clear. I realised I saw myself as one of the poor people who watched “the others” having good lives and enough money. They belonged to a world I was not part of. I had never consciously decided to believe that. Yet I had been living as though it were true for most of my adult life. What surprised me was the relief of seeing it.
Once I could observe the belief, it was no longer simply reality. I could see where it had come from: a child growing up in a home where money was frightening and scarce. That did not solve my finances overnight, but it gave me somewhere to begin. One of the first practical steps I took was to set up a spreadsheet and start managing my money differently. The important change was not the spreadsheet itself. It was that I was beginning to make choices from a different understanding of myself.
“Sometimes you will step back and look at something and still have no idea what is going on.”
Try This: Practising the Observer
For the next week, choose just one of these four areas to notice. Reactions are probably the easiest place to start.
When something happens, allow yourself to have the experience first. You do not need to suppress feelings of anger, anxiety, hurt or disappointment.
Then, when you feel calmer, step back and look at what happened as if you were observing yourself from the outside.
Ask yourself:
What happened?
How did I react?
What did I believe it meant about me?
You do not need to uncover a hidden belief every time. The purpose is to practise moving between the two positions: the person having the experience and the person observing it.
Over time, that small shift gives us another way of understanding ourselves. Instead of being completely caught up in every reaction, thought or pattern, we begin to see what may be driving it.
Once we create the gap between being the experiencer of our lives, we realise we have options; we can choose, which is where we go next.
Articles in Self-Awareness
Self-Awareness: The Gateway to Your Higher Self
- Why You React the Way You Do
- How Beliefs Shape Your Experience
- The Only Thing You Have to Do Is Be Willing
- Turning From Experience To Observation
- From Observing to Choosing
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