Finding the thought behind a feeling is only the beginning. What we do next depends on what the feeling is showing us.
Sometimes we need to question a belief. Sometimes something needs to change. At other times, we need relief, time to feel what we feel, or help to work through it. Using our emotional guidance system well means recognising what the feeling is asking for, rather than trying to do all of those things at once.
What the Guidance Is Leading Us Towards
Our emotions do more than reflect our thinking. Once we understand the difference between the ego and the Higher Self thought systems, our emotions reveal which direction our thoughts are taking us in. They then give us the opportunity to think again and, if we want to, to choose our Higher Self, which is the part of us that is not frightened, not defensive and not needing to win.
Two things make that guidance much easier to read. The first is self-awareness, because we cannot question a thought we have not noticed. The second is understanding that we are not fundamentally separate from one another. From inside the belief in separation, almost every difficult emotion can look like further evidence that the ego way of thinking is the right one.
Using our emotional guidance system well does not mean that life stops being painful. It means that less of that pain turns into suffering. Peace, joy and love become more available because, little by little, the beliefs standing between them and us begin to fall away.
Finding the Belief Causing the Feeling
Sometimes a strong feeling can seem so convincing that we assume it must be telling us the truth.
I worked with someone who had stayed in an unhealthy relationship partly because every time she tried to end it, she experienced acute anxiety and fear. Initially, she took the intensity of those feelings as intuition telling her she was making the wrong decision.
When she began looking at the thoughts and beliefs behind the anxiety, something different emerged. She had developed a deep sense of guilt about the effect leaving might have on her children. The anxiety was not telling her to stay. It was faithfully reflecting what she believed leaving would mean.
That distinction mattered. The feeling was genuine, but the belief producing it was something she could examine. Once she could see it, she came to the view that staying would cost her children more than leaving would, and she was able to end the relationship far more calmly than she had managed before. I want to be careful here, because fear about leaving is not always a belief to be examined. Sometimes it is an accurate reading of a situation that is genuinely unsafe, and then what is needed is action rather than insight. This was not that.
This is where our emotions become genuinely useful. They can alert us to a belief that may be operating beneath the surface, even when we have never consciously questioned it.
Sometimes We Think We Deserve to Feel Bad
A woman I worked with lost her sister and her father within days of each other. As her shock passed and time moved on, she was trying to rebuild her life back to some normality for the sake of her children. However, she confessed she was a little worried about the continuing intensity of her feelings. She told me she had been at the circus with her children, and they were having a great time, when suddenly she caught herself laughing and immediately felt guilty. How could she be enjoying herself when her father and sister had their lives taken so unexpectedly?
She realised that somewhere underneath was a belief that being happy meant she was not grieving properly. Enjoying something they could no longer share felt almost disloyal.
Sometimes, without realising it, we believe we should continue to feel bad. We hold on to guilt because letting it go can feel like not caring. We hold on to anger because releasing it can feel like saying what happened did not matter. We refuse to forgive ourselves because that feels like letting ourselves off. And we can resist happiness because it seems to say we did not love enough.
Her grief was completely understandable. What was hurting her was the meaning she had attached to letting any of it go, which was that feeling happy would prove she did not care. It was robbing her of the natural healing that follows loss, and it was making her suffer on top of grieving.
Letting go of suffering does not mean letting go of love or saying that something did not matter. What we put down is the punishment. The love stays exactly where it always has been.
Owning the Feeling Gives Us Choice
Taking responsibility for how we feel is not the same as blaming ourselves for it. A good deal of unnecessary guilt comes from confusing the two.
Owning a feeling simply means acknowledging that this is how I feel and being willing to understand what it is telling me. It does not mean I caused what happened, that somebody else’s behaviour was acceptable, or that I am at fault for feeling as I do.
It is the opposite of disempowering ourselves. Once we own the feeling, we can do something with it, whether that is examining the thinking behind it, allowing ourselves to feel it properly, or deciding that something needs to change.
If somebody else has to change, apologise or behave differently before we can feel better, our peace remains in their hands. Owning our feelings brings that part back to us. We may not have chosen what happened or how we initially felt about it, but we do have some choice about where we go from there.
The Power of Taking Action
Not every difficult feeling needs a different interpretation. Sometimes something genuinely needs to change. We may need to set a boundary, have a conversation, make a decision or put something right.
For years, when something troubled me, I would write it down and ask how I could see this differently so that I could be at peace with it. Sometimes the answer was a different perspective. Sometimes it was something I needed to do, and I could not have told you in advance which it would be. When I felt grief or loss, keeping busy, planning outings and seeing friends genuinely helped, even if only for a while.
Our emotions can point to either. Sometimes peace comes from seeing something differently, and sometimes it comes from acting on what we already know and have been putting off.
Sometimes We Need Relief Before We Need Insight
Sometimes we are too caught up in a difficult emotion to see the situation clearly. At those times, trying to analyse what we are thinking may not be the most helpful place to start.
Instead, we can deliberately turn our attention towards something we know will help us feel better. For me, that might have been spending time with my children, focusing on them and how much I loved them. It might be walking, music, laughter, being with someone we love, or simply noticing what is still good. Gratitude for what is bright in our lives can begin to shift how we feel.
This is not avoiding the problem. It is a deliberate way of getting into a better frame of mind so that we can come back to it with a clearer head, and from there we are far more able to ask how our Higher Self might see it.
When we are in the thick of despair, fear or anger, we cannot simply decide to feel joyful instead. But we can deliberately reach for something that feels a little better, and then something better again.
Sometimes insight comes first and changes how we feel. At other times, feeling a little better is what gives us enough space for the insight to come.
Life Can Simply Make Us Sad
Not every difficult feeling is a problem to be solved. Sometimes life simply hurts.
Grief, disappointment and missing somebody are painful. If we look behind the feeling and find only that we miss someone we love, there may be nothing to change. The sadness simply needs to be felt.
The sadness the woman at the circus felt was entirely natural. She missed them and wished they were there. The suffering came with the thought that followed, which was that enjoying herself without them meant she did not love them enough.
That is the distinction between pain and suffering, which I have written about more fully elsewhere in this series. Pain arrives with what has happened. Suffering is usually what our beliefs, guilt, fear or judgement add to it.
Our emotional guidance system is not there to talk us out of sadness or give us a life without painful feelings. It helps us recognise what needs our attention and what simply needs to be felt.
Sometimes there is a belief we can change. Sometimes we are simply sad. And we are allowed to be.
Some Feelings Need Support
Some feelings are too painful or too overwhelming to work through alone. If exploring something leaves us unable to cope, that is a signal to stop rather than to push through it.
A good therapist or counsellor can help us go into something safely, and sometimes a trusted friend or a member of the family is enough to help us hear ourselves more clearly.
Willingness does not mean facing everything now, or facing it on our own. Sometimes it means recognising that something is there and getting the right help to deal with it, and that is still using the guidance.
The Pause Is Where Choice Appears
We do not have to react immediately to a difficult emotion. Sometimes the most useful thing we can do is give it space to arise, be felt and perhaps begin to pass before deciding what, if anything, we need to do.
This takes practice, because our first instinct is usually to get rid of an uncomfortable feeling. We defend ourselves, withdraw, send the message or make the decision, and any of those will do if it makes the feeling stop.
When we react that quickly, we miss what the emotion was telling us. Feeling it without immediately acting on it gives us time to notice what is underneath and to decide from a clearer place.
The feeling can be immediate. Our response does not have to be.
What Is This Feeling Asking For?
Once we stop treating every difficult feeling in the same way, the guidance becomes much easier to use. Usually, we need one of five things:
- Insight: there may be a belief here we need to question.
- Action: something may genuinely need to change.
- Relief: sometimes we need to feel better before we can see clearly.
- Permission: some pain simply needs to be felt.
- Support: sometimes we should not try to work through something alone.
Our more comfortable feelings are guidance too. Peace, clarity and that sense of things becoming simpler can tell us something about the thinking that got us there. It is worth noticing those moments rather than simply passing over them.
Over time, we get better at recognising what our feelings are asking for. Difficult emotions still come, but we are less likely to add to them or stay caught in them. That leaves more room for peace, joy and the ordinary contentment that does not depend on anything particular happening.
Try This: What Is This Feeling Asking For?
The next time a difficult feeling arises, give it some space before trying to change it. Then ask:
What is this feeling asking for: insight, action, relief, permission or support?
Then ask the two wider questions from the previous article:
Am I seeing this through separation or connection?
Is there a more loving way to see it?
You do not have to resolve everything. Sometimes recognising what you need and taking one clear next step is enough.
Where We Go Next
Our emotions can teach us a great deal about ourselves, and much of what we still need to learn only becomes visible through our relationships.
The way we relate to people, to situations, to experiences and even to things can reveal beliefs and patterns we would otherwise never see in ourselves. When we begin to understand our relationships in that way, they become part of our guidance rather than simply something happening to us.
That is where we go next, with transformational relationships.
Articles in Emotional Guidance System
Emotional Guidance System: What Your Emotions Are Really Telling You
- How to Find the Thought Behind the Feeling
- How to Use Your Emotional Guidance System