As you become more self-aware, you might begin to notice what you expect to happen. Most of the time, we are expecting something, whether we realise it or not. We notice it more when something out of the ordinary is coming up. Think about the build-up to a holiday, when we are already picturing lovely sandy beaches and blue skies. One of my favourites is Christmas: all that goodwill, Christmas tunes, lovely food and family getting together.
Are You Living Groundhog Day?
Most of our expectations, though, run on autopilot. We wake up expecting the same routine, the same difficulties at work, the same reactions from our partner, the same financial constraints, and perhaps even the same mood.
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with routine. It can be comforting. But when we’re unhappy with aspects of our lives and keep expecting more of the same, we can find ourselves living a version of Groundhog Day. Unfortunately, we don’t always realise we are expecting tomorrow to resemble yesterday.
Where Do Our Expectations Come From?
When I was growing up, girls were generally expected to marry and have children. It was simply what you did. That expectation was reinforced by family, society and the opportunities available to women.
I didn’t necessarily sit down and decide that was the life I wanted. It was already presented as my future.
Expectations can come from our family, our community and the environment we grow up in. They can shape:
- What we believe we’re capable of achieving.
- How much money people like us can earn.
- What we should expect from relationships.
- Whether life is generally safe, difficult or full of possibilities.
Many of our expectations are inherited and never questioned, although some we have chosen consciously. As we become more self-aware, we can notice what we are expecting and question whether it is what we want.
It took me until my late thirties to want the things I had always assumed were for other people. Much of that change came from practising Living From Your Higher Self. I learned to step back and observe my thoughts rather than get caught up in them, and to notice whether they stemmed from fear or from my Higher Self, the wisest and most loving part of me.
We Tend to Find What We’re Looking For
We cannot pay attention to everything around us, and our expectations shape what we notice. If we expect people to disappoint us, we’re especially alert to their shortcomings. When we believe opportunities are scarce, we may overlook possibilities that don’t fit our expectations.
Our expectations don’t control everything that happens, but they can influence what we notice, how we interpret events and how we respond.
Some years ago, I wanted a new car and had picked the colour and model. All of a sudden, I saw them everywhere. They had been there all along, but I was now paying attention.
This is sometimes called the frequency illusion, a term coined by the Stanford linguist Arnold Zwicky. Once something has our attention, we may notice it everywhere and assume it has become more common, when it is our attention that has changed.
What Happens When You Expect Things to Work Out?
Many years ago, I managed a team of about 30 people. I wanted to give them the chance to gain a customer service qualification. I spent months exploring my options, but I was getting quotes of around £40,000 and had a budget of around £3,000. It looked impossible.
But instead of being discouraged, I kept believing a solution would be found. For a while, other priorities took over, and I pushed it to the back of my mind.
One day, a colleague hurried into my office. She explained that someone on the phone had mentioned they offered formal customer service qualifications. She remembered I was considering it. Did I want to talk to them?
It turned out that this training company had secured grant funding, and the contribution needed was, yes, £3,000.
I couldn’t have planned for that opportunity to come about, and my expectations didn’t make the phone call happen. Plenty of things I had hoped for never arrived. But I had kept an open mind. I could easily have refused the call, assuming it would be too expensive, like all the others. Because I hadn’t decided it was impossible, I took it.
Psychologist Richard Wiseman, in his book The Luck Factor, researched how lucky people think. Their expectation that they were lucky was a significant factor.
When Fear Shapes Our Expectations
I have written elsewhere about the shame and pain of losing my house to mortgage debt. To this day, I manage my finances carefully because I don’t want to go through that again.
When I started my business, things became quite tight, and I had to dip into my savings to cover routine bills. Then fear kicked in. What if it all fell apart? What if I couldn’t pay my mortgage? The memory of how painful that had been came flooding back.
For several months, my bank balance kept falling, and I was in a state of panic. Thankfully, by then I had done a lot of self-reflection and was actively practising Living From Your Higher Self. I could see I was allowing my earlier experience to shape my current expectations. This was the ego thought system at work: expecting the worst because it had happened before.
Consciously Changing Expectations
Once I realised that fear was shaping my expectations, I decided to change them. Things could work out well. I had learned from losing my house, and I didn’t have to assume it would happen again.
The fear didn’t go away immediately, but my thinking about it changed. Whenever a fearful thought arose, I could observe it rather than get caught up in it. Practising Living From Your Higher Self had helped me recognise that I had a choice. I would remind myself that things could work out, as they had many times before, and that I could put what I had learned into practice.
I wasn’t ignoring my financial reality. Breathing and affirmations helped me calm down enough to think clearly. I could then come up with practical ways to improve my finances and safeguard my position. Over the following months, things began to turn around.
That experience helped me trust that I could recognise what wasn’t working and do something about it.
What Has Love Got to Do With Expectations?
One of the things that helped me change my expectations about money was a more loving relationship with myself. I recognised that fear and my inner critic were shaping my expectations. Practising Living From Your Higher Self had taught me to love myself more, and that made a real difference.
Instead of criticising myself for getting into a difficult position, I could treat myself with patience and love. I could look honestly at what was happening and take care of my finances, rather than panicking or looking away. As my expectations began to change, I started noticing both the good things in my life and the worries.
When we are caught in the ego thought system, we may tell ourselves that we aren’t good enough and that bad things are bound to happen. A more loving perspective helps us stay open to what might go right. It isn’t always easy, but the more we practise loving ourselves, the less fear dictates how we respond.
Living From Your Higher Self helps us question the limits fear places on what we think is possible. It doesn’t mean life will give us everything we want. For me, this took time and practice as my trust in my Higher Self grew.
Changing Your Expectations
If you are caught in fear, or living your own version of Groundhog Day, start with an area of your life where the same difficulties keep coming up. Write down what you expect to happen, then explore where that expectation came from and whether it is still useful to you. Try to observe it with curiosity rather than judge yourself for having it. Ask what you would rather expect, and choose a possibility you can begin to believe and work towards. Notice small improvements, different responses and opportunities, and act when something useful presents itself. Stay open to how things might work out. As I found with the qualifications, the answer may arrive in a way you hadn’t considered.
If you find your expectation is linked to a limiting belief, then you will find a useful framework in my article Can You Rewire Your Brain At Any Age?
Changing an established expectation takes practice. Old fears may still arise, but you don’t have to accept them as predictions. When they come up, it helps to ask whether you are reacting from fear or listening to your Higher Self.
What Are You Expecting Tomorrow?
Tomorrow might look very much like today. You might wake up in the same bed, go to the same job and meet the same people.
But what if you stopped assuming the same difficulties and disappointments were inevitable, and began to look for something different? In my experience, that can open up possibilities we hadn’t noticed before.
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