When I was younger, I had strong opinions on most things. I was also keen to help people be at their best, and didn’t realise how arrogant that combination could sound.
When I was training to teach adults (the irony isn’t lost on me), a fellow student gave a presentation with some obvious mistakes. I thought I was helping by pointing them out, until another student whispered, “You don’t need a sledgehammer to crack a nut.”
That whisper woke me up. I’d been so sure I was helping that I hadn’t noticed how I came across. It taught me to appreciate the other person before voicing an opinion.
I wasn’t transformed overnight. Now my children are adults, my lessons in humility come often. I want to spare them painful situations, so I offer advice. The “mother knows best” role is hard to shake off. With some trepidation, and a great deal of love, I’m learning to say, “Only you know what’s best for you.” It isn’t always easy.
Most of us would say we’re open to being wrong. When someone challenges something we care about, though, we defend ourselves or find holes in their argument before they’ve finished speaking. Humility helps us notice this and ask what we might be missing.
What Humility Is and Isn’t
Playing down our abilities or deferring to everyone can reflect low self-worth, even behind a confident front. Humility means recognising we are no more and no less valuable than anyone else.
We share the same capacity for love and connection. Our achievements, knowledge or spiritual experiences don’t make us worth more, and our mistakes don’t make us worth less. Other people’s lives matter as much to them as ours do to us.
We can still disagree, challenge harmful behaviour or draw a firm boundary, respecting someone while deciding what we’ll put up with.
Which Thought System Are We Using?
The ego thought system has something to protect, usually our image or our need to be right. Admitting a mistake feels like losing ground, someone else’s success makes us doubt our own, and disagreements become contests.
When we draw on our higher self, our worth isn’t at stake. We can change our mind, apologise or learn from someone very different from us.
| Situation | Ego thinking | Higher self thinking with humility |
|---|---|---|
| Someone challenges us | “They don’t know what they’re talking about.” | “What might I have missed?” |
| We make a mistake | “This wasn’t my fault.” | “What’s mine to acknowledge and put right?” |
| Someone succeeds | “Where does that leave me?” | “I can appreciate their success and value my own contribution.” |
| We feel strongly about a decision | “I’m certain, so I must be right.” | “What could change my view?” |
| Someone treats us badly | “I have to win, or keep quiet to keep the peace.” | “How can I respond in a way that honours us both?” |
When We Become Proud of Being Humble
Once we start working on ourselves, it’s easy to feel pleased with our awareness and look down on people who see life differently. We may become impatient with someone who “hasn’t done the work”, or give advice with an air of superiority.
My sledgehammer moment came from wanting to help, which is why I didn’t spot it. Feeling above someone is the ego thought system at work, however spiritual the language.
Humility in Decision Making
Every decision involves missing information. Humility lets us admit that and still make a choice. Before turning down an offer or pressing ahead with a plan others doubt, it helps to ask:
- Am I trying to prove something?
- Am I afraid of disappointing someone?
- Is embarrassment stopping me from changing course?
When a lot rides on a decision, certainty is worth questioning. Fear and wishful thinking can both feel like certainty.
Humility helps us decide as well as we can, stay open to new information and learn from the outcome without blaming ourselves for what we couldn’t have known.
Owning How We Affect Others
As adults, we’re responsible for how our behaviour affects others. Understanding our past brings compassion and makes change possible, but doesn’t cancel out that effect.
If we snap at a colleague because we felt criticised, we can explore why we felt threatened and say, “I was sharp with you earlier, and that wasn’t fair.” Humility makes that second step easier because we spend less energy defending ourselves.
Responsibility includes asking for help and saying no. We aren’t responsible for everyone’s feelings or for giving what we can’t reasonably give.
An Expression of Your Higher Self
Humility lets us bring what we know without assuming we have the whole picture, and value ourselves while staying open to what others offer.
The question I come back to, especially when I’m sure I’m right, is: “Am I willing to see this differently?”
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