I was talking to a friend recently, and they were describing how they were feeling down about a situation in their life. I listened intently, and the conclusion and advice I gave was, “You have to learn how to think well of yourself”. Before we go on, I want to clarify that the positive thinking techniques I had in mind were not about thinking positively, no matter what. It is about being honest with yourself, recognising what works and learning how to develop the art of authentic self-affirmation.
Why Do Positive Thinking Techniques Matter?
What my friend was experiencing was not necessary. Life throws curve balls at us, and we have to deal with them, which can mean we have negative thoughts, which in turn develop negative feelings. The problem is that unless we know how to pivot such thinking, it leads to unnecessary suffering or even depression and/or anxiety from prolonged negative feelings.
The negative critical voice, which stems from information passing through the amygdala, doesn’t just align itself with adverse situations. It is pretty adept at turning even positive situations into a negative experience. Unless we know how to deal with the negative critic, then we risk a life of sadness, despair and a distinct lack of self-love and confidence. This is where learning positive thinking techniques can change your experience.
Thinking As An Act Of Kindness
When I was a young manager in a busy office, I remember getting easily sidetracked with one situation after another. I am not a great finisher, and I would often flit from crisis to crisis, feeling stressed about my overwhelming workload. That was until I read Edward De Bono’s book Lateral Thinking. Being able to order my thoughts and think logically just changed my way of working forever.
However, when considering positive thinking techniques, I want to steer away from a functional approach and discuss using our thoughts to achieve authentic self-affirmation. This is not just about being clever in the way we think; it’s about loving ourselves more through thinking. Here are the best ways to achieve this.
1. Being Your Own Best Friend
My life changed when I became my own best friend. I read about this somewhere, and when I put it into practice, it completely changed the habitual way I used to judge and criticise myself. Don’t get me wrong, the negative voice still happens, even now, but it is the one that is the stranger, not the warm, kind, and understanding narrative that I replaced it with and changed my life.
Think about how you support and encourage others, such as your family, your kids, or your friends. Notice the difference that makes when they know you love them no matter what. Well, that’s the inner dialogue you can cultivate for yourself. Some people find this quite hard, but if so, you need to ask yourself why you wouldn’t be your own best friend. If you can’t find an answer, you need to accept that you need to love yourself more.
2. Owning and Observing Your Feelings
I know it’s difficult when someone says or does something to upset you, not to blame them for the way you’re feeling. But if you can wrap your head around the fact that your feelings are yours and how you react to another must be owned by you, then you are opening the door to regaining your power and not allowing yourself to be subjected to external influences.
Viktor Frankl discovered the release from the unimaginable horror of Auschwitz. He realised his captors could not control his internal world, and as a result, he was able to find meaning in his experience, aligning it with his spiritual beliefs and purpose. Now, I’m not advocating we have to endure anything as horrific as Frankl, but it does mean we can think differently about the emotions we are experiencing. It’s not easy, I know, but it can be done.
The positive thinking technique here is learning to observe and own your feelings without shame or judgment. Suppose you can think of them as learning opportunities, encouraging you to reconsider your interpretation of information. They offer valuable insights into your beliefs. You know you’ve hit the jackpot with this technique when you find a way to think about your circumstances or relationship with others and find a sense of peace. This means you’ve aligned your thinking with your higher self.
3. Forgiving Yourself Instead of Judging
We all make mistakes. Indeed, when I was younger, I approached situations that made me fearful or sad in a retaliatory manner, as I knew no better at the time. At first, I used to think back to these situations with a sense of shame and guilt. But as I grew and learned to love myself more, I was able to forgive myself, recognising that when I knew better, I did better.
Self-forgiveness is one of the most overlooked yet essential positive thinking techniques. Guilt is such a wasted emotion; it is harmful and insidiously loaded guilt. But holding onto guilt and shame creates suffering. A valid response is remorse, apologising and perhaps again, creating a learning opportunity to do something different in future. But once you’ve come to terms with the situation in that way, let it go and move on and upwards. Choose to be compassionate with yourself and move forward with gentleness rather than guilt and shame.
4. Understanding the World Reflects Our Thinking Back
When I lost my house, I was filled with shame and guilt. I hated the house I had to move to with my three kids. One day, someone knocked on my door. They had the wrong person, and they were livid with that person. Without realising they had the wrong person, they shouted at me, belittling my house and everything about me. I was utterly shocked. They eventually realised I was the wrong person, and they abruptly left without apologising.
The outer world often mirrors the thoughts and beliefs we carry inside. If you believe you’re not enough, you’ll find evidence to confirm it. I was on a spiritual path, and I could recognise that what had occurred was a mirror of the dialogue that was going on inside of me, but I wasn’t aware of it. Inwardly, I was berating myself for being in that position and shaming myself daily. Once I had seen that reflected to me, I realised I had to forgive myself and create a different narrative.
The world can also tell you if you’re at peace with yourself. If that situation had happened and I had been able to laugh at it, then I would have been sure that I was at peace with my problem.
5. The Only Relationship That Matters Is the Relationship with Yourself
We all have relationships with each other, and stuff, our thoughts, everything. Relationships are the crown jewel in learning opportunities. However, the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. This positive thinking technique is the magic dust that pulls everything else into a coherent whole.
To develop a positive relationship with yourself, you have to build a certain amount of self-awareness and self-responsibility. If you constantly blame others for your experiences in this world, then you are neglecting your relationship with yourself and projecting your shortcomings onto the world. Take trust, for example; you can only trust others to the extent that you can trust yourself to deal with anything that comes your way. So, if you aren’t trusting others, then you need to look deeper into how you can trust yourself more.
When your relationship with yourself is strong, healthy and full of love, you can tap into your higher self more easily and make decisions which honour you without disparaging anyone else.
6. Rewriting Your Inner Dialogue
Learning to observe your thoughts and think about whether they are serving you well is a great act of self-love. Often, your thoughts are scripts you have learned from others. Rewriting your inner dialogue when needed is a great act of self-love. Thoughts are not you, and once you realise that, you can choose which thoughts you want to keep and which you wish to discard.
Look at times when your inner dialogue says, “I can’t” or “I’m not good enough.” Then replace them with other thoughts, such as “Maybe I feel like I can’t right now, but I’m willing to explore alternatives.” “I realise I have a self-esteem issue because I believe I’m not good enough, but actually, I can change this because everyone is equally valuable, and so am I”. “I’m doing better every day.” As you practice, you can strengthen your thoughts, and this helps to rewire your mental pathways in a way in which you can gently change your beliefs.
Implementing these positive thinking techniques can take time. Still, the magic lies in the fact that once you transform your inner narrative, the outer world begins to change, incorporating the positive, authentic self-image, kindness, and love you give to yourself.
