For years, I had a distinct lack of self-worth, and yes, I was a people pleaser.  This meant I would jump through hoops to do what I thought people wanted, and I used to feel so guilty just at the thought of saying no.  In those days, I thought the guilt I felt meant I was wrong to say no.  When the penny dropped and I learned how to stop people pleasing, I realised the guilt was an ego construct that was not true.

Pleasing Others Doesn’t Make You More Lovable

I realised that people pleasing didn’t make me more lovable.  It was teaching people close to me how to treat me.  This led to relationships which meant I was always giving in and giving myself away.  Of course, the unhappiness this led to was because I was losing my inner self.  However, I just thought I wasn’t good enough.   Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t go around with a hangdog expression, for a long time, I wasn’t aware of my lack of self-worth.  It just seemed to be an impression or a vibration that I always had.   Every time I abandoned myself by prioritising others’ needs, hoping for praise, or striving to excel, I was denying who I truly was, even though I didn’t know it at the time.

The Neuroscience of People Pleasing

When you’re people pleasing, your brain activates the reward system and releases the feel-good dopamine.  As you continue to say yes, then it triggers this dopamine response, and there is a temporary sense of relief or pleasure.   This creates a pattern in your brain and, therefore, a habitual response.   This habitual response becomes hardwired into your brain, activating the amygdala, which creates a fear of saying no.  Even when it’s ok to say no.

When You Realise Who You Are, You Don’t Need the Approval of Others

The truth is that people pleasing emanates from your ego.  The part of you that is fearful, or guilty or doesn’t like yourself very much at core.   When you are indulging in people pleasing, you are disconnecting from your higher self.  The higher self is your inner wisdom, which loves you wholeheartedly, knows you are worthy and realises that your self-worth is not up for negotiation.

Your Higher Self doesn’t need to please anyone. It operates from love, not fear. It guides you to act from alignment, not obligation.

How To Stop People Pleasing by Overcoming Habitual Programming

It’s likely that if you’ve been people pleasing, your current programme defaults to this habitual response.  When you change the way you respond to situations, it can feel a little uncomfortable.   When I first began to break the habit, I threw the baby out with the bathwater and started saying no to everyone.  I suppressed my feelings to do this, and it just stressed me out.

People remarked that I had become different and had developed a hard edge.   But the truth was they were just not getting their way anymore, and I didn’t know how to tap into my higher self for a balanced approach.  However, I had begun the journey of overcoming my habitual people-pleasing programming.  It took me to understand my higher self to cure it for good.

You Are Allowed to Disappoint Others

When you tap into your higher self, it will invite you to reclaim your sense of self-worth.  It will help you understand when to say yes and when to say no, knowing when it’s the right thing to do. It helps you to realise that you are allowed to disappoint others without abandoning yourself.” Your higher self wants you to act from love and be authentic. It shows you how to stop people pleasing.

This means loving yourself and loving others. This means respecting each other.  There is always a win/win if you look for it.   When you change your people-pleasing dynamic, it can change or even end relationships that were built on those bending of boundaries.  But it doesn’t need to.

Reflective Practice

The first step is to become aware of the tendency to people-please.  You know you’re in trouble when you want to say ‘no’ but feel pressured or guilted into saying ‘yes’.   When you are in that situation, say you will get back to whoever is making the request.  You don’t have to react immediately.  Then take the following steps.

  • Pause before you respond. Ask your higher self to look at the situation another way.
  • Feel your truth.  You may need to allow the fear and guilt to surface and then subside.
  • Say no with love. When you say no, do so with kindness and love.
  • Say yes with integrity. Only if it uplifts you, too.

When you begin to honour your inner knowing, something miraculous happens: People will meet you where you are.  New boundaries and new respect emerge.  Also, keep going; it will feel uncomfortable at first, but you will know when you are on the right track if you stay connected to your higher self.

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I help leaders develop self- mastery, helping them to become confident in their own inner guidance.

I collaborate with leadership experts, managers and HR professionals to help them get their own message and unique services and products to a wide audience.

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