You need a mindset shift

How many times have you received advice about loving yourself more when lamenting the ending of a romantic relationship for too long? Feeling bruised and grief-stricken is not honouring yourself. When searching for advice on how to cope with my sorrow, I read that loving yourself was the key. Believing only the return of the departed boyfriend would make me feel better, this advice seemed hollow and fanciful to me.

Many years later, several broken hearts later, and I finally clicked. Dimly, I realised I would never attract the true love I wanted unless I truly loved myself.   I began to work on myself, to give myself the things I needed from another. Daily, I worked to get over my self-esteem issues, which my ego managed to gloss over to the outside world. Realising my behaviour still drove me in terms of love and relationships, I knew I had to change. I worked on breaking down those limiting beliefs which hampered me.

After some months, I felt a lot better. Many of my strategies made me feel more at peace with myself. Something still eluded me, and I remember asking my higher self what was missing. A few hours later, I was in town. A small crowd had gathered around a busker playing in the street. The busker sang the song “How Deep Is Your Love” by the BeeGees. I knew I had received my answer. I needed to dig deeper into the subject of loving myself.

And so the journey began. I am still on the trip, and my understanding is constantly deepening. Here are some of the truths I discovered.

Be your own best friend

This means politely listening to your inner critic and understanding it is not in your best interests to listen to it. Understanding you need to counter any negativity by turning to your inner best friend and finding out what they would say. You realise you have both an inner critic and an inner best friend. Your only job is to choose which one you value and listen to. With the realisation and practice of this choice, you have strived towards caring for yourself.

Love is not outside of you

If you aren’t nurturing yourself from the inside out, nothing and no one in the outside world will change that. You may temporarily feel better when you “fall in love”. A meeting of minds and hearts can help you get in touch with the genuine love inside of you and is what you experience when you fall in love. But suppose that person or experience fails to meet your expectations or isn’t present for any reason. In that case, reverting to the absolute lack of love inside can be a cruel reminder that you, the only person who can experience love for yourself, are not digging deeply enough.

Your relationship with yourself

While you may have glimpses of genuinely loving another or feel strong emotions about another, you cannot experience true love consistently if you do not truly love yourself inside. You can only give what you have inside. If you judge yourself, are critical of yourself, feel unworthy, don’t honour yourself, or demonstrate the myriad ways you disrespect yourself, your external relationships will mirror the lack of love.

Internal love leads to external love

If you are seeking love, your family is distant, or your ideal partner is still “out there,” then somewhere and somehow, your ability to love yourself isn’t yet complete. Instead of trying to “fix” your external relationships or searching for that love, turn to the only action that will make a difference and learn to pay more attention to the extent of love you have for yourself.

All the love you need is already inside of you.

You must break down the blocks or the barriers to see the light. This means reframing experiences which prevent you from loving yourself. Forgive yourself for things you might have done, past experiences, and getting it wrong. When you know better, you do better, which is valid for all of us. It means challenging limiting beliefs and finding true inner peace. This does not mean you should not experience outside relationships on this journey, but you should not seek them to feel loved.

Relationships help you on the journey

Whatever the state of your relationships, whether with partners, your family or at work, they reflect your internal patterns, thoughts and beliefs. Relationships are significant in helping you discover what is inside of you. If you are experiencing a stressful or unhelpful relationship, your answer is not to change others or the situation; it is to change your thoughts and feelings about the relationship. You are on the right track if you can view your relationships as your most expert classroom for learning about yourself.

Your internal love will shine out to others

When you genuinely love yourself, you forgive yourself and others, respect yourself for who you are, and so you respect others. You realise others are on their journey of loving themselves, so you understand they may have more to learn. Loving yourself empowers you to love others; they will know and feel it. Someone who truly loves themselves and radiates that love to others will do far more good than any practical or logical advice.

This is a journey

This inner journey needs work. It’s rare that anyone truly loves themselves. The key is to use your emotions to gauge how you feel. If you are feeling negative, stressed, or just bad about things, then you need to learn how to break down limiting beliefs, develop new thinking skills, and use your emotions as an evaluation tool to see where you are. Be kind to yourself and always be your own best friend.

Image courtesy of Depositphotos

  • About the Author
  • Latest Posts

I help leaders develop self- mastery, helping them to become confident in their own inner guidance.

I collaborate with leadership experts, managers and HR professionals to help them get their own message and unique services and products to a wide audience.

peopledevelopmentmagazine.com