A few weeks ago, I took my son to school amid a snowstorm. As I pulled into the student drop-off at the high school, I noticed a woman getting into her car. Her rear lights went on, and she started to back out as I passed her. She must have thought that I should have waited for her to pull out. Moments later, she pulled up next to me on the passenger side and began yelling, gesturing, and waving her arms. I just sat there and smiled. I should have thought better about doing that because my smile made her increase her extremity in her behaviour. At that point, she became so out of control that I couldn’t contain myself any longer, and I began to laugh.

Immediately, she took off and cut in front of me. Very upset, she pulled out of the drop-off area, nearly losing control of her car. She stopped just short of rear-ending the person in front of her. As I drove home, I considered her behaviour and how often we might better keep from losing control of our emotions. Here are several questions that might help us heighten our awareness of our ability to maintain calm.

1. What Are You Full of?

I’m not asking metaphorically! We tend to store our emotions, often allowing them to fill us up. If we are angry, frustrated, or severely agitated, then those emotions tend to spill out of us in our interactions with others, whether we want them to or not.

I will never know what was happening with the woman in the snowstorm. Likewise, when dealing with others who may react emotionally, we must admit that we don’t know what is happening to them, even though we may disagree with their behaviour. But in this situation, I probably did something initially that caused her to react emotionally, bordering on complete irrationality. If you become upset frequently, you need to recognize your behaviour and try to surface the source of your emotional reaction—your thinking.

Do You Become Emotional When Things Don’t Turn Out Like You Think They Should?

We all have a preconceived perception of how things should look. When what we expect doesn’t occur, our expectations are often violated, and we may feel angry, stressed, or anxious. When such physical reactions occur, those who are emotionally intelligent can spot such situations, and they don’t let their feelings get the best of them. They manage the situation toward a more effective outcome.

Are You Quick to Make Judgments of Others?

These folks form their opinions quickly with little evidence or support. And once the negative judgment is made, they will defend it no matter what evidence or facts people present to the contrary. If we engage in this behaviour, you might ask yourself why you defend an idea or position where the data doesn’t support your opinion. Not being open to the obvious can be a significant stumbling block to your success and your team. Emotionally intelligent people take the time to formulate their decisions and welcome those who have information that will help them make the best decision possible.

Do You Take Things Personally?

Often, where no offence is intended, the offence is taken. If we have confidence in who we are or how we perform, then the comments or actions of others will have little impact on our self-esteem or how we view ourselves. If, on the other hand, we lack a degree of emotional intelligence, then we may take things that others say and do personally. This is a miserable place to live. A more objective perspective is required in our interactions and judgment of others.

Do You Make Other People Responsible for Your Feelings?

If we blame other people for how we feel, we need to recognize that our emotions are the product of our thinking and how we interpret what others say and do. No one can make us angry or upset unless we let them. You create your feelings and how you respond and act toward others. Bottom line: you are responsible for your responses and the quality of your results.

Can You Identify the Source of Your Negative Emotional Reactions?

Everyone has triggers or “hot buttons” with certain situations or people that elicit nearly automatic emotional reactions. Emotionally intelligent people can identify how people may violate their values or what they perceive to be vital to them. Once they have identified the source of these emotional responses, they learn to challenge the accuracy of their thinking and manage the situations and people that might otherwise trigger an adverse reaction.

Can You Manage Your Emotions?

Being emotionally intelligent doesn’t mean we don’t have feelings, but managing the feelings that you do have. It also means that we know how to share our feelings in a respectful way when it is appropriate. That also means that we are aware of our feelings, can explore the source of our feelings, challenge the thinking that created them, and then manage our feelings to make the best possible outcome. We either learn to have our feelings, or they will have us.

Do You Become Upset When People Don’t Understand You?

It can be frustrating to communicate a complex message and then have people tell you that you don’t make any sense or don’t see things your way. Emotionally intelligent people realize that others have numerous ways of interpreting a message because of their filters. When others misunderstand our message, we should be willing to adjust it so that others may obtain the clarity that we wish them to have.

Do You Hold Onto Resentments That You Have Toward Others?

When you become emotional, you may formulate solid opinions, judgments, or criticisms of others. Even if we take the time to understand how we formulated these judgments, some have difficulty letting their resentments or grudges toward others go. Holding onto these feelings and judgments of others continues to affect our interactions with these people. Being unable to forgive others has more of a negative impact on us over time than the initial behaviour we experienced. When people don’t behave in ways that I understand, I try to remember that their behaviour is rational to them. The challenge then becomes for us to engage in a conversation by asking questions and listening so that we might understand the sensible basis of our view of another’s irrationality.

Do You Continue to Beat Yourself Up for Mistakes That You Make?

Emotionally intelligent people realize that they make mistakes. After all, it is through mistakes that we learn and grow. Sometimes, we create and adopt a story that we tell others and ourselves to explain our lack of results. Then, we let the stories we tell ourselves and others become our results. If this describes your behaviour, you must recognize your story and formulate an executable plan to help you change the story and your results. Beating ourselves up for poor results does not help us create the desired results. Such negative results and emotions only serve to keep us stuck. It’s essential to learn to create a more accurate story that describes your behaviour and then work to create a different story by how you behave and produce results.

Becoming more emotionally intelligent is possible and can result in substantial personal and professional dividends. Begin by understanding your feelings and how you create them. Then, make a deliberate attempt to understand the source of your emotions and develop several more effective responses to manage your reactions. Doing so will help you create respect, build relationships, and achieve your desired results.

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John R. Stoker has been immersed in organizational development and change for over 20 years. He is the Founder and President of DialogueWORKS, Inc. In these roles John has worked extensively with a number of companies, helping them increase their capacity to enhance effectiveness and improve results. John is also the author of the popular groundbreaking book Overcoming Fake Talk, which was released in May of 2013.
John has vast experience in designing strategic change and in creating and implementing training curriculum in support of company-wide improvement initiatives. He has worked with numerous organizations as a change management consultant.
DialogueWORKS was founded in 1998 and is headquartered in Springville, Utah, with affiliates throughout North America, Europe, and Asia.