Overview
Emotions are not weaknesses but mighty messengers. They act as early warning systems, guiding us toward truth, boundaries, and growth. This article explores why emotions matter, why people become overly emotional, and how to listen, support, and repair relationships to unlock their hidden wisdom.
Introduction
My emotions are my nemesis and my superpower. I feel deeply. Much more than the average person. It allows me to attune to people I regularly interact with, pre-empting issues early, which is probably my biggest superpower. On the downside, however, I have worked much harder than most at emotional regulation.
Emotionally, people act like the canary in the mine. They serve as an early warning system, indicating that something is wrong and allowing for early correction if taken seriously.
The Value of Emotions
I remember walking into a team years ago where I had to deal with an overemotional team lead that no one knew what to do with. My initial brief included a plan to isolate him as much as possible to protect the rest of the team.
I didn’t, however, push him away or try to isolate him. I realised he must have an essential message if he feels so passionate about it. So, I tried to understand why he was so passionate about protecting the rest of the team, often without success. He couldn’t express his goal in words, so I had to find more creative ways to understand the underlying message he was trying to convey.
When the need arose, we went into the soundproof boardroom, where I allowed him to express his emotions away from the team and validate how he felt. I also had brief conversations with him in the kitchen to build our relationship, until he eventually trusted me enough to share a prized possession. A book containing what he was trying to implement but couldn’t communicate.
After reading the book, I finally understood his goal and was able to provide better support. The emotional outbursts slowly decreased, but eventually, he left, knowing he wasn’t accepted in the team. I was the only one sad to see him go, feeling I had failed him.
This story often resurfaces when the topic of emotionally charged individuals arises. It keeps me humble and reminds me that the way he communicated and was received was the problem, not him.
Don’t Shoot the Messenger
He didn’t know how to communicate, but his message was very valuable. The introduction of a design system, a tool the team was not familiar with before, enabled the startup to scale rather effortlessly compared to one without a design system. A few years later, design systems became the industry standard, again reminding me of the value of his message. He wasn’t the problem; communication was – from both sides. Management and the team didn’t want to understand him, perceiving him as difficult, while he didn’t communicate his message effectively enough for people to give him a chance.
Emotions are messengers. It carries personal truths. It is your inner navigation system that tells you whether something is right for you or not. Anger, for example, is an indication that either you are afraid of something or a personal boundary has been crossed. Fear, on the other hand, tells you something is dangerous, or you don’t believe you can deal with something. Sadness allows you to retreat and process loss. Disgust warns you that something is physically or socially toxic. All emotions have a valuable message.
The stronger the emotion, the more important the message. The goal should thus never be to eliminate the emotion, but to understand it and find more functional ways to express it.
Why People Are Overly Emotional
From my own experience, as well as observing and working with others, I have come to realise that people are emotional for one reason and one reason only. They’re not being heard.
I only get emotional after I’ve been ignored at least five times in a row, mostly many more times. Each time I say or ask something without getting a response, the emotions start filling up drop by drop like water filling a glass. Until, like a volcano erupting, it overflows. Usually, as a result of something seemingly small to others.
It’s a helpless cry to be heard after repeating myself so many times in different ways without getting a reaction or response.
The worst thing you can do when someone is emotional is to push them away or make them believe they are the problem. As a leader or team member, you are just as much a part of the problem as the person trying to communicate.
Dealing with Overly Emotional People
The only tool you need is the ability to listen and respond. When you listen with full presence and understanding, people will feel heard. They won’t have to resort to extreme measures to convey their message.
For more on the art of listening, read this post, which explores how to become a more effective listener. The key takeaway is to translate what was heard into action, with the other person’s consent. Ask yourself how the other person will know you heard and understood them. What will you do differently as a result of the conversation? What do you want them to do differently?
Some guidelines for having a meaningful conversation, along with conversation starters, are outlined below.
1. Name the Emotion
The foundation of emotional intelligence is the ability to name the emotion as you are feeling it in real-time. Most people only know they’re feeling good or bad but are unable to articulate the emotion.
They are often overtaken by the autopilot response to the emotional triggers, much like an unexpected wave crashing on you. By asking them to name the emotion, they are asked to step out of the emotion and view it from a curious perspective, which in itself will help them manage the emotion.
When someone gets triggered, try asking the person what they are feeling. “I notice you’re upset. What’s going on? What are you feeling?” When they struggle to name the emotion, guide them gently by asking, “Are you feeling angry? Or perhaps frustrated?”
Using metaphors is another helpful way to elicit emotions. “If the emotion were a thing, what would it be like?” Perhaps it’s like a volcano erupting, a fire burning, or being caged and unable to escape.
Once you’ve identified the emotion, you can start a more meaningful and constructive conversation around it.
2. Make it Somatic
Another helpful tool to help people move beyond an emotional response and back into a logical mindset is to focus on the physical sensations associated with the emotion.
“Where in your body is the feeling? What does it feel like? Is it tingling, a contraction, or perhaps a void? If it had a shape, what would it be?” are helpful questions to ask to identify the emotion.
In coaching or counselling, you can then use these sensations to move the energy and with that the response.
3. Contract for Safety
The worst thing you can do is invalidate the person’s emotions or make them feel as if they are a problem, rather than spend a few minutes creating a safety contract, ideally, before it is required, but not too soon.
Ask them what they need to feel safe. How do they process emotions? Do they need to walk away, or should they discuss the matter further? Each person has a unique way of dealing with their feelings, and to create safety, you need to understand and honour their needs.
No one wants to overreact emotionally. It is as uncomfortable, if not more so, for the person reacting as it is for the other people involved. When you can sit down and discuss how to handle these situations before they arise, you may prevent emotional outbursts entirely and strengthen trust within the team.
Some more questions you can ask:
- What happens just before you feel this deep emotion? Is there a build-up?
- How do you know the emotion is about to get too much?
- What do you need to be able to deal with the emotion?
- What support can I provide?
- What else?
4. Practice Managing Emotions
Managing emotions takes practice. Allow space for people to practice the art of emotions. In Emotional Intelligence, an excellent book that combines science and practical tools, Daniel Goleman suggests a simple checklist using traffic lights as a metaphor.
- Red light
When you’re emotionally triggered, stop and take a deep breath, filling up your lungs to full capacity. Hold it for as long as possible before slowly exhaling. Repeat if necessary. This simple exercise will help reduce the intensity.
- Orange light
- Name the emotion and how you feel.
- Set a positive goal.
- Brainstorm solutions.
- Consider the impact and consequences of each possible response.
- Greenlight, please respond with the best alternative.
5. Provide support
Emotions are part of what makes us human. It is what makes life worth living. Without emotions, you won’t be able to enjoy a beautiful sunset or a special moment with a loved one. Without emotions, you won’t be able to know when danger is lurking around the corner or whether you can trust someone or not. Don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater. Instead, provide support to help people manage their emotions more effectively.
Coaching in the workplace is increasingly gaining popularity due to its successes and is specifically designed for this purpose. Consider offering voluntary coaching services within your organisation or allowing employees to bring their emotional support animals to help regulate their emotions while at work. Having access to coaching will create a safe space where employees can develop personal strategies to manage challenging work relationships.
The average return on investment for coaching is reported to be between 5 and 7 times, making it a good choice for retaining talent while improving relationships.
Creating Repair
So the damage is done. You overreacted. The checklist didn’t work, and your good intentions to control your emotions didn’t plan out. Now what?
Creating repair is one of the most important aspects of any good relationship. When you can resolve issues early on and when the problem is minor, you create healthy, strong, and long-lasting relationships. Here are some basic guidelines for creating repairs:
1. Start Small
Please don’t wait for a big emotional outburst before you attempt to repair it. It’s much easier to put out small fires than to try to manage a blazing forest fire. Whenever there is the slightest discord, address it and practice repair while the stakes are still low. The more you practice it, the easier it will get.
When the stakes are high, you will be better equipped to deal with the situation successfully.
2. Don’t Wait Too Long
The longer you wait, the harder it becomes to create repair. Respond within a few hours or the next day to allow both parties to reflect on the discussion. Never wait more than a few days, but also never push it before one of the two sides isn’t yet ready to talk about it.
3. Apologise Authentically
A heartfelt apology has the power to shift mountains. Say why you are sorry and what you would rather have. Focus on the solution, not the problem, and make sure there’s no blame. If there’s a but in the apology, it’s not an apology.
4. Retrospective
What will you do differently going forward? An apology is meaningless if there’s no intention to do something different in the future. Spend time reflecting on what happened and what you can do in the future to prevent the same situation from repeating.
If there isn’t a safety contract in place yet, this would be an ideal opportunity to include one.
5. Keep Each Other Accountable
The intent is easy, action is harder. Changing old habits isn’t a switch you can turn on or off. It takes practice, and you will fail while you’re learning. Hold each other accountable to the contract, and when someone falls back into old, dysfunctional habits, remind them gently of the terms outlined in the contract.
This is not a time to blame, but to gently remind them of their intent and give them the space to self-correct. It’s also worth agreeing on a cool-down period before reminding them of the contract.
Conclusion
Emotions are valuable. It is the messenger of personal truths, the difference between a fulfilling life and a robotic existence devoid of joy. Don’t try to eliminate emotions; instead, create an environment where emotional people can express and manage their emotions more effectively.
