Coaching comprises several qualities and skills. To start with, you need good observation skills, the ability to ask powerful questions, give constructive yet honest feedback, and possibly the most important skill of all: the art of listening. This post outlines what makes listening an art and how to improve your listening skills.

The Value of Listening

I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t want to feel heard and seen. Some people desire it more than others, but everyone needs to think that their existence matters. Listening is the tool that allows someone to feel heard and seen indeed.

When you feel someone is truly listening to you, you feel valued and worthy. Having someone give you their attention is one of the most valuable gifts available.

Attention is the currency of love. The more positive attention you put on a person or thing, the more loved people are likely to feel. Being truly present with someone and hearing what they say is possibly the greatest gift you can give someone.

When someone feels valued and heard, they are more likely to want to contribute positively to your success. People who feel valued are less likely to resign, greatly benefiting organisations. Many people (if not most) will gladly work for less money if they think their voice matters.

Listening simplified

The skill of listening is, however, a rather complex topic. Although complex, the concept of listening can be simplified into two core aspects: attention and impact. Together, these two form an alchemical recipe to transform any resource you touch into gold.

Listening = Attention + Impact

Attention is your choice of focus. Focusing on what someone is saying allows them to feel seen. It tells them they matter and are needed to complete a bigger picture. Attention will enable you to receive someone.

The other core aspect of listening is what we do with what we receive. Without some form of evidence or behavior change to show the impact of listening, people will most likely not feel heard.

Many people are good at listening with attention, but this is only half of the recipe for the art of listening. When the outcome of listening results in positive action, it becomes an art. Without action, there’s no evidence or feedback that someone’s words were heard.

Deep layers also turn hearing into the art of truly listening.

Levels of Listening

Like an onion consisting of layer upon layer, we can also look at listening as a layered skill. We start with hearing the words as facts, then add depth to the message layer by layer to include more and more stimuli from the person and the environment. First, we might focus only on the words, and then we might add the tone to give more meaning to the message. The next layer of listening adds body language, followed perhaps by picking up slight nuances. Each new layer of listening gives us a deeper understanding of the message.

According to Kimsley-House, there are three main layers of listening, each briefly described below.

Internal Listening

The first level of listening is internal listening. At this level, you internalise the words you hear. While the person might be giving their full attention, they apply their personal beliefs and opinions as an overlay on the message. At this level of listening, the listener will likely provide advice or opinions on how to solve your dilemma.

Focused Listening

Focused listening is the second level of listening. At this level, you focus on the person, what they say, and their body language. This added perspective gives you more information to make sense of the message.

Listening at level two adds empathy and compassion to a conversation. In these conversations, the coach tends to ask more open questions and refrain from giving advice or sharing opinions, as in level-one listening.

Global Listening

Global listening, the third level of listening, adds an intangible layer to hearing. At this listening level, you take in more than just the words (what is being heard) and behaviours (body language). The person is considered part of a more extensive environment, and all the sensual stimuli are included.

You take in the words, notice micro-expressions in the body, and add your intuition. At this level, listening becomes an art. You can discover underlying beliefs by identifying patterns of behaviour and emotions within the other person.

This level of listening is nonjudgmental. You simply receive information and use it as clues to uncover limiting beliefs or touch on a vulnerability with the purpose of moving through the blocks. At this level of listening, you don’t sympathise with the person or get drawn into the experience; you simply hold the space with compassion and drive the conversation forward towards resolution.

What Stops People From Listening

We all can listen deeply, yet few people do. What stops most people from listening are distractions and ego. It’s hard to hear someone when surrounded by distractions that call for your attention.

But even more common is the voice of your inner critic. Your ego – attempting to keep you safe, but in the process also cuts you off from others – stops you from your ability to hear someone. An ego can be seen as the inner protector that kept you safe as a child. Early on, a child learns to behave in a certain way or find meaning in behaviours they don’t understand. This forms an overlay of any interaction with other people later in life, ultimately stopping you from receiving someone else entirely.

The Art of Listening

Transforming your listening level is a process. The first step is to develop a presence. The second is to focus your attention. Next, you identify patterns, repeat or rephrase what was said, and finally, take action.

Step 1: Presence

Although being present is one of the most natural things for us, it is tough today. There are so many distractions around us that it takes mastery to be present. It takes discipline, commitment, and continuous practice. For me, meditation is a beneficial practice for practising presence.

To be fully present with someone is to put all your focus on the person. While they speak, you intentionally silence the Twitter in your mind and attempt to take in as much as possible.

If you struggle with being fully present, consider switching off your phone, closing your laptop, and removing any distractions around you. A notebook is also a handy tool for writing down urgent to-do’s. Writing them down will enable you to free them from your mind. You can also make an appointment in your schedule to worry. This approach works amazingly well in silencing internal worries.

When you are committed to presence, focus on the person before you. Also, when you think about something else, return to the present and what the other person says.

When you’re fully present, you naturally relax, which relaxes the other person. I feel drained when I have to split myself between different things, screaming for my attention. When, however, I am present, I feel energised by an interaction.

Step 2: Attention

The second step is to choose what to focus your attention on. You can’t possibly take in everything that is being said and happens. Having a focal point thus dramatically increases your ability to perceive more information. The coaching topic is an excellent tool to use as a focus for listening.

A good coach focuses on the person and not the story. For example, the coachee might tell you about a challenging situation at work. When you focus on the story, you might want to know more about the problem. You might ask questions such as “What happened next?” or “What caused it?”

When your attention is focused on the person, you will ask questions that elaborate on the impact on the person, with no need to go into detail about the story. Possible questions might be, “How did it make you feel?” or “What did it mean?”

Step 3: Patterns

The third step of learning to listen as an art is identifying patterns. Is the person saying one thing in one situation but something else in a different problem? Is what they say congruent with what they do? Do they tend to avoid specific topics or use powerless vocabulary like “should,” “that’s the way it is…” or “I don’t know.” Do they use these words regularly or in specific situations?

It is important to note that it can only be considered a pattern if it happens at least three times in different contexts. Also, it is worth considering that not all patterns are helpful to explore. As explained in the next step, removing judgment and rephrasing what you heard is essential to confirm your understanding.

Step 4: Repeat & Rephrase

While the previous steps mainly focused on the perception part of communication (or taking in information), the final two concentrated on processing the received data.

One of the fundamental tools used in NLP and other influence methods is repeating what someone said to confirm understanding and build rapport. In clean language (a trauma resolution technique also used in business and education) and NLP, the exact words are repeated to allow the person to feel validated. However, rephrasing the message to clarify understanding or uncover a limiting belief is sometimes more practical.

Whether you repeat the exact words or translate them to something more accurate or concise, you must show the person in front of you that what they said was heard without judgment.

Step 5: Action

How often have you been disappointed when someone promised you something but never followed through? Words without action are meaningless. This final step is where the true power of listening lies. During this step, the message is translated into meaningful action.

The meaning will differ for different people and typically happens in one of two ways, depending on the relationship. It involves asking permission to act or clarifying action and facilitating an action plan.

In a coaching relationship, the power typically lies with the coachee.  In this peer relationship, the coach is a facilitator and enabler. They will ask questions to elicit action and commitment from the coachee. The goal is to empower the coachee. Therefore, the action is initiated by and acted upon by the person being coached, not the coach.

In an employer-employee relationship, however, the power typically lies with the boss, not the employee. The more powerful person might ask what they need to empower the employee. They might ask something like “Do you need me to do anything about this?” or they might propose something more specific, like “Do you want me to speak to John about this?” or possibly “Do you need some time off to deal with this?”.

The key is to ask permission or get consent before taking action on behalf of someone else. Give them the option to take action first or ask before you act.

Listening as an art

Listening is one of the most valuable tools any leader has access to to strengthen relationships. Artful listening requires an increase in perception, followed by action. It requires presence, focus, and non-judgment.

How deeply do you listen?

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With more than 20 years experience in the software development industry, Kate specializes in helping teams get unstuck, communicate better and ultimately be more productive. She believes in efficiency through fun implementing lean, agile and playful design as tools for process improvement and organizational change. Her goal is to create more happy, healthy and whole workplaces where each person thrives and productivity soars.

www.funficient.com